This is one part of another older Steeple Chase exercise.
A couple months later I saw Jerry, the guy who peed in my mouth, at a bar called The Maple Leaf. Ironically enough, there was an Expos game on the tube, which I kept my eyes locked on as Jerry and his wife pulled up stools right next to me. I saw him out in my peripheral vision, noticed him staring at me with a big smile, took a big swig of my beer, and gulped hard as I remembered how I practically had to use his piss as Listerine that night. The thought of his urine cascading like white-water rapids through my gums was enough to make me want to spill it right there on the bar. I held my vomit in my throat though, having developed a fear of public restrooms recently.
Jerry kept his eyes on me, and smiled big, revealing his huge horse teeth. My eyes started to water from watching the television screen so hard. The game wasn’t even on anymore, it was some commercial for Canadian tampons.
He ordered a beer and said “Tom right? Remember me?”
The jig was up.
“Yeeeaaahhh, hey there Jerry...” I said, still adamantly staring at the T.V., “How’s uh…well…yeah…you know…”
“Great! Just great, Tom! I just opened my own restaurant down the street here. We’re called ‘Stick ‘Em Up!’” He chuckled and slapped his knee, “familiar words, ey Tom?” He slapped me on the shoulder and I edged my stool away from him.
“See, we’re a theme-restaurant…I don’t know if you remember this night in particular, Tom, but when we met, we were, well, we were in a little bit of a-uh, well how should I put it-“
“We were drunk and pissing into a trough, Jerry, and then we got mugged,” I said, letting my teeth show as I made eye contact with Jerry.
“Right, well, lemme tell ya, Tom- when I felt that cold steel pressing against the back of my head I had a moment of revelation,”
“Oh yeah, Jerry- a revelation, like the one I had when your liquid waste turned my face into a Jackson Pollack painting, yeah- that’s when I realized I wanted to become an artist!” I thought.
“See- Oh excuse me, Tom- this is my wife, Laura-Jean,” Jerry said, leaning back his gigantic body to reveal the slightly less gigantic body of his wife.
“Hi, Tom,” she said, as she sipped on a Bloody Mary and summoned a slutty smile that probably hadn’t been used since she was a freshman in community college. I had to wonder if Jerry ever pissed in her mouth. I shuddered.
“Nice to meet ya, Laura-Jean, hope you keep this guy on a short leash- HE’S OUT OF CONTROL!” I said, punching Jerry a little too hard in the arm and almost falling off my stool. How long had I been at this bar? “I’ll have three shots of Jack Daniels and another beer,” I told the bartender.
Jerry chuckled and rubbed his arm, “Uh- well, anyway, Tom- Stick ‘Em Up! serves only the finest in Tex-Mex foods, we’ve got all kinds of pictures on the walls of famous tyrants like Billy the Kid and Wyatt Earp, you know- but here’s the best part- all of our staff are dressed up as Bandits! With bandanas over their faces and everything! Boy, I tell ya- business isn’t exactly booming, but we’re still in our first month. I tell ya, Tom, I’m so glad we got held up that night- I’ve found my calling!”
At least I think that’s what he said. Before he had said ‘Wyatt Earp’ I had downed the three shots and gulped down the beer.
“Sounds great, Larry” I slurred.
“It’s Jerry, Tom, and I’m glad you like the idea! You should stop by- it’s just down the street here off Klondike street. The best and only Tex-Mex food in all of Canada, I believe. We can’t get you the entire meal free, just can’t afford it, but I might be able to work out a free basket of chips, for uh…an old friend,” He said and winked at me.
“You got a fat face, Terry,” I said, drooling on myself, “Why’d you pee on me?”
Laura-Jean giggled and peaked up behind Jerry’s Mountain of a shoulder.
“Does he pee on you too?” I said, falling off my stool. I lost control of my legs and landed face-first in Jerry’s lap. My shoulders were trapped between the bar and Jerry’s massive legs. My screams of terror were muffled by his thick Levi’s. My arms flailed as I tasted his piss once again in my mouth. How many times was I gonna have to deal with this guy’s junk? The white-waters were rushing through my mouth once again, and this time I couldn’t hold it in. If you’ve ever thrown up into someone’s lap before, you know that there’s really no room for the vomit to spread. I almost suffocated as I spewed regurgitated alcohol right into Jerry’s crotch. I was finally able to breathe when Jerry’s stool tipped backwards and he fell to the ground.
He jumped up, his face beat-red. Laura-Jean immediately started drying his vomit-soaked crotch with bar napkins. The bar crowd got quite a kick out of this and were beginning to gather around us.
“You puked on my dick, Tom!” He screeched.
“You pissed in my mouth, Jerry!” I retorted.
He stepped around Laura-Jean, who was squatting at his crotch now, and piling up used napkins at his feet, and came towards me. He extended his hand.
“I guess we’re even- How would you like to be the new night manager at Stick ‘Em Up!?” he asked with a smile.
I sighed, spat a "God damn it" at the floor and shook his hand.
