Hide and Seek

10/30/06

Whenever I stayed over at Jamie’s house we would play hide and seek. He would always hide in the same place, the bathroom, behind the shower curtain. I was more creative about my hiding places, though. There was this shelf in the pantry where I could fit and line up cans in front of me so Jamie wouldn’t be able to tell. The light never worked so Jamie couldn’t see a thing. There was also behind the t.v. cabinet. I would stoop down behind the large chest and listen to Jamie’s mom’s ‘stories’ that she always left on.

The thing is, no matter how good of a hider I was, I always had to pee when I did it. Except if I hid in the bathroom. But no matter what, even if I had just gone to the bathroom I would still have to pee. I sat behind the t.v. one afternoon, grabbing my crotch and biting my lip, listening to Samantha and Thomas break up.

Samantha: “Thomas, I can’t put up with this any longer. I know what’s been going on between you and Tamara. You know she used to be a man don’t you?”
Thomas (chuckles. There is the sound of a drink being poured) “And just what do you plan on doing about it, Sam? You know…I have some very…revealing video of you and a certain someone who happens to be running for office…You remember Caleb, don’t you? If anyone sees that tape you’ll both be ruined”

”Ready or not, here I come!!!” yelled Jamie from upstairs.
Christ, I thought, If I didn’t have to uphold this title of greatest hider ever I would totally be taking a leak right now. I bit my lip harder and stared up at the ceiling.

Jamie’s Mom stayed at home most of the time, while his Dad was a teacher at our school. Mr. Baker. I had him for Social Studies. He was pretty mean to the kids in our class. He even sent Alex Fenton to the principal’s office after he had thrown a piece of chalk at him for no apparent reason at all. He was nicer to me because he knew Jamie and I were friends. Whenever he came home, Jamie would always grab me and make me stay up in his room. His parents were always yelling.

Samantha: “You bastard! How could you do this to me? Do you think this is some kind of game?!” (Sobs uncontrollably)
Thomas: “Well, if it is a game, Sam, it’s one that two of us can play at…”

I peaked out from behind the cabinet a little and saw Jamie running in the room. I ducked back. He hadn’t seen me. I heard him run out again, saying “I’m gonna find you!”
Oh great, Jamie, I thought. Only a novice would try such a haphazard technique. Amateurs. I’m playing with Amateurs.

Just as Samantha was pulling a gun on Thomas, Mr. Baker arrived home. The front door shut violently. “Jamie! Come here!”
Shit, I thought. I was in a lose-lose situation. If I came out when Mr. Baker was already mad at Jamie, he’d probably pulverize me too. If I conceded to forfeit, Jamie would win. I really had to pee. I bit my lip until I thought I would break the skin.
“JAMIE!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.
From the kitchen, I heard the soft sound of Jamie’s all-stars dragging against the tile, slowly. The laces were undone, and the plastic at the end of the laces was popping up and down as he dragged his feet. These are details a master at hide and seek must learn to observe closely.

“Yeah, Dad?” Jamie said softly, walking into the carpeted living room.
“Got your grades a little early this quarter, James.” He said, sternly.
“Oh…” Jamie said quietly, obviously aiming his comments towards the ground.
“A ‘C’ in Gym? How does anyone get a ‘C’ in gym?” Mr. Baker barked.
Closer, from the t.v., Thomas pleaded for his life.

Thomas: “Sam! Please, put that thing away…we don’t need to do this…Is that thing even real?”
Samantha: “You’re damn right it’s real, and the first bullet has your name written all over it. I’ve put up with you for long enough, Thomas, I’m not going to let you ruin my life anymore…”

“I don’t understand you! Speak up!” yelled Mr. Baker.
“I said…I don’t care about gym! All the kids laugh at me!” cried Jamie.

Samantha: “Recording my phone calls, blackmail, threatening to ruin a man’s career. You are the lowest slime on the face of the planet-“

“You know what happens to kids who don’t pass gym? They end up as FUCKING GAS STATION ATTENDANTS!” yelled Mr. Baker

Thomas: “Sam! Please! NO!” (Three shots fired)

There was the sound of a loud slap, a slight squeak from Jamie, and then a loud “thud!” on the dining room floor.
“Maybe when you wake up you’ll have learned something” said Mr. Baker who stomped out the back door, slamming it behind him.

Samantha: (cackles evilly) “You always were an easy target, Thomas.”

I clutched my crotch and bit my lip until it bled. The piss ran down my leg and dripped onto the carpet.